


Dancing on Your Grave

by ExoEl88



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2015-12-22
Packaged: 2018-05-06 03:37:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5401538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExoEl88/pseuds/ExoEl88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His heart beats, but he's not even close to being alive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dancing on Your Grave

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what to do with myself. I have a thousand requests piling up and can't seem to work on them. //Sighs// Oh well. I wrote this to work out the feels of EXO's latest music video~

Jongin hates alcohol. He hates the burning sensation that engulfs his throat. He hates the bitter taste. The only thing he doesn't hate about it is how it dulls the sensations of life. He slams back another shot of vodka, grimacing as the liquid scorches his taste buds and throat. With every shot, he's losing touch with a reality he doesn't want to live. Life is cruel and harsh without _him_.

He can't even bring himself to think his name. The name that used to fall from his lips so easily, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. 

No. He pulls himself from his thoughts and demands three more shots. He impatiently slams his palm against the bar's counter, needing the distraction the drink offers. The bar tender looks uncomfortable, but Jongin couldn't give a damn. What does it matter? Nonetheless, the short bartender sets the tiny shot glasses in front of him.

Jongin doesn't hesitate to down them one right after the other, not bothering with a chaser. The fiery pain stings like a bitch, but it has nothing on the suffocating pain in his heart. 

Though he wishes that he could forget more than anything, he can't _._ Every moment he's ever spent with  _him_ always resurfaces at times like these. 

The feeling of those nimble fingers running through his hair, gently grazing his scalp. The echo of his laugh still rings in his ears. The curve of his lips as he smiles is ingrained into his memory, a permanent presence in Jongin's mind. Everything about him is too permanent. 

But not his life. 

Overwhelming anger and burning heartache swell in his chest. He doesn't know whether to punch something or fall down in a fit of sobbing. He's seconds from doing both, and it's tearing him apart. 

He can't do this. He's not even alive anymore. 

What kind of life is this? Drinking alone in a sleazy bar at nearly three in the morning isn't living. Jongin doesn't laugh or smile anymore. No,  _he_ took everything with him when he died that night. 

Hot tears flood his eyes as he stands up and slams his wooden chair into the bar. The stares from the onlookers go ignored as he pushes past an angry crowd to the exit. His demeanor must scream 'don't mess with me,' because despite the annoyed looks and grunts they give him, nobody starts a fight.

Jongin really wishes someone would. A fight would momentarily give him the distraction he so desperately needs.

His blunt nails dig into his palms painfully but not painfully enough. Nothing is ever enough. Nothing will ever be enough to fix the anguish engulfing his very being. Everything hurts.

Waking up without their legs tangled together hurts. Sitting alone on the bed he used to share with him  _hurts_. The empty apartment is a constant reminder that he is gone. His clothes in the closet will never be worn. The green toothbrush in the cup by the sink will never be used. The candy sitting in the third drawer down in the kitchen will never be eaten.

He'll never get to watch his beautiful pink lips curve into a smile. He'll never hear that boisterous laugh. He'll never see his eyes gleam as he says the words 'I love you.' His bronzed hand will never hold his smaller one. Their lips will never meet again.

 _He_ has left his mark on every single part of Jongin's life. What haven't they done together? Where haven't they gone? 

Jongin can never escape the agonizing pain of his memory. Being drunk doesn't work. Being sober doesn't work.

He stumbles out of the bar, desperately wishing he could just not feel anything. He doesn't want this never ending, constantly present heartache gripping at his heart and invading his thoughts. Everything has been taken over by the loss. Not a minute goes by without thoughts of him occupying his mind. Everywhere he looks, he sees  _him._ He's everywhere but nowhere. 

Jongin turns around and punches the outside wall of the bar, scraping his knuckles on the concrete. A tingly, prickly sensation runs up his arm before the bones in his hand throb. The scraped flesh bleeds out an angry shade of red. Though it hurts, it almost felt nice. 

Before he does anything worse, he stumbles closer to the curb and waves at a cab. It speeds by him, likely occupied. 

Instead of a wave of anger hitting him, it's a wave of exhaustion. Everything is against him in this cruel world.

He squeezes his eyes closed and tries to stop them from watering. His eyes still ache from crying. His throat is still raw from the sobs nobody heard. Suffering in constant torture has taken its toll on him, but it still doesn't stop tearing him apart.

He bites his lower lip and presses his hands harshly against his eyes. It hurts, and he knows he's only making his situation worse, but he doesn't stop. The pain isn't an inclination to stop because even if it's not physical, it's still there. That will never change. 

"I thought I'd find you here," a voice from behind says. "Taemin wouldn't want this for you, Jongin."

At the sound of his name, Jongin lets out a sob akin to a wounded animal. Hearing that name is the quickest way to knock down every single one of his defenses. It's such a simple thing, but every reminder still feels like a punch straight to his heart. He barely registers as Jonghyun wraps an arm around his waist to lead him to his car. He's too absorbed in the pain that never goes away to ask why or how he's here. He allows Jonghyun to support his weight as he cries his heart out. It's ugly, loud, vicious. It's filled with all the anguish of living without  _him._  

Jonghyun holds him and runs his hands through his hair. It's something Taemin used to do to comfort him. When Jonghyun does it, it's like he's being stabbed by a sharp knife because it's not _Taemin_. It's not the man he's in love with. It's one of his best friends in the place that he used to be, and it's proof that Taemin can't be the one to hold him anymore. Though he knows Jonghyun means well and probably feels obligated to take care of him, it's not what he needs. It's not helping.

Jongin pulls back from the embrace and nearly falls backwards into the car. 

Jonghyun gives him a look of sympathy as he helps him sit properly in the seat and buckles his seat belt. Jongin should feel embarrassed or uncomfortable, but he doesn't care. He doesn't care whether or not someone's helping him. Nothing is comforting or reassuring. Instead, their efforts makes him feel guilty. He should be grateful for their kindness, but he's in far too much agony to feel anything but the pain.

He wants to curl in on himself, but settles on burying his face in his hands. The tears never seem to stop, only dry up once in a while.

His heart is heavy as the tear drops roll down his cheeks. This pain is worse than anything he's ever faced before. It's worse than his waist injury. It's worse than the time he broke his arm as a child. It's worse than any migraine. He craves the comfort of Taemin's arms, the soft whispers of sweet nothings in his ears, the feel of his skin on his own. He would give anything for just one last moment with him. He would take the time to appreciate the warmth of his skin, the smell of his hair, the gentle thud of his heartbeat. 

He remembers the feel of Taemin's smooth skin beneath the pads of his fingertips. He remembers the fresh, clean smell of Taemin's hair. He remembers the way their lips seemed to mold to each other. He remembers pressing him into the mattress, sweaty and warm, lost in each other. He remembers collapsing onto Taemin after they were both sleepy and spent. He remembers listening as Taemin's heartbeat slowed down while they cuddled.

He remembers being in love. 

He's terrified of losing that, too. As much as he wants to forget Taemin and this horrible pain, he's terrified that he actually will. Taemin deserves to be remembered and loved long after he's gone. What if Jongin does forget? 

He doesn't want to. He wants to live in the past where everything was good. The past that they shared was without question the highlight of his life. 

Taemin would wake him up with a kiss to his neck and fingers running through his hair. Jongin would always ask for more time not because he was tired, but because he loved being there like that with him. Nothing to think about but each other. Sleepy and cuddly. 

Hot tears slide down his cheeks and his lower lip is trembling. Taemin was so beautiful, radiant, and _alive_ back then. Now, he's motionless and decaying six feet below the ground. It's so unfair. 

Taemin had everything in life ahead of him. They had a future together... a beautiful future that would have made them both incredibly happy. They could have gotten married and spent their honeymoon in Japan. They could have gotten a puppy and adopted children. They could have done anything together and Jongin would have been happy. Taemin was always enough to make him happy. 

But he's gone. He's never coming back. Jongin doesn't want to let go of everything they could have shared. He doesn't want this unforseen bleak future that stands before him now. A future without Taemin... is going to be horribly lonely. He's not sure if this is something he can recover from.

Taemin still is his everything. He doesn't want to lose him. He still wishes this is just a horrible nightmare and that Taemin will wake him up with a kiss. 

As desperately as he hopes for that, he knows it's not going to happen. This is too real and too horrible to be a nightmare. He could never dream up this kind of hell. 

With him gone, Jongin has lost everything. He's lost the ability to feel happiness and companionship. Everywhere he looks, the lack of Taemin's presence weighs on his soul, hurting him in ways he didn't think were possible. This can't be a nightmare. Not when breathing reminds him that Taemin can't do the same. Not when things like eating reminds him of the times when they'd argue which restaurant to go to for dinner since neither of them were good cooks. 

Not when he can't even bring himself to go within two miles of the dance studio they founded and built together. 

There's no way he can bring himself to dance. He doesn't listen to music anymore if he can avoid it. He just  _can't_. Dancing brings out the most beautiful memories, but they are the ones that hurt the most. They are the ones that shatter his heart if he doesn't keep them locked away. He can't do that by himself when that was the one thing that they  _always_ did together. 

Ever since Taemin entered Jongin's life, Taemin and dancing became linked. Going to his old dance studio for practices meant seeing Taemin. It meant going in the practice room together, laughing and joking and smiling. It meant long rehearsals and sore muscles. It meant heavy makeouts in the shower after the end of practice, when they were both hot and desperate for connection. It meant sneaking back in the studio after hours and practicing together or making up their own choreography. 

They met and fell in love through dancing. 

Dancing is not the same as it used to be. He tried it once, and it was awful. It was like Taemin had always been an extension of his own body, and now he's missing a limb. He's off balance, uncentered, and clumsy. It felt like a betrayal that he couldn't even find the passion he used to have... until he realized that passion was for dancing  _with Taemin_. 

It started out as just a hobby. When Taemin entered into the picture, he somehow fueled Jongin's drive and made him want to be just as good as him. Loving Taemin was loving dancing. They worked so well together. As much as Taemin fueled Jongin's drive, Jongin fueled his, too. Eventually they were in their own little world, happy and content with each other. What they had was so much stronger than love. It was love, yes, but it was also friendship, passion, and companionship. The list was endless. 

But now Jongin has nothing but memories that will wither with time.

He covers his face with his hands, wishing he could shield himself from the ache inside his soul. He wants Taemin's comfort. He wants him to gently rub his back and wipe away his tears. He wants the company of his presence, his closeness, his love.

He needs it. Just one last time. 

"Jonghyun... please take me to him," Jongin croaks in a whisper. His throat is scratchy and dry and his words are a little slurred, but he needs Jonghyun to drive him there. 

"Jongin, you're drunk and it's getting close to four in the morning," Jonghyun answers, a look of sympathy adorning his features.

"I don't care. Please take me to him," he says as clearly as he can.

"Jongin..." 

"Please. I... I won't be long," Jongin pleads, biting his lip to hold back more tears.

With a sigh, Jonghyun nods slightly. He knows that Jongin hasn't visited his grave since the funeral. "Okay." 

"Thank you," Jongin whispers. For the first time since Taemin's death, Jongin feels something positive. Gratefulness. He's grateful that Jonghyun went out to find him at three in the morning and has put up with his hysteric drunken state. He's grateful that he's taking him to see Taemin. 

He's touched that there are people who care for him and want him to be happy again. He'll try to keep that in mind more often. He shouldn't make them worried or scared. He shouldn't let them find him drunk and distraught in a bar. He should come to them when he needs comfort. 

He buries his head in his hands again, wishing he could calm himself down. He's so out of touch with himself. Maybe it's the alcohol or maybe losing Taemin has wrecked him, but it's so hard. It's hard to stop the tears flowing down his cheeks.

With a lot of focus on his part, his tears are dry by the time Jonghyun brings them to the cemetery. Jongin stumbles out of his car, trying to regain his footing. He wishes he hadn't had so much to drink because he would never want Taemin to see him like this. 

He can't change that now. 

He moves forward and pushes open the gates. He's a little surprised to find them open, but he's thankful for it right now. He looks back at Jonghyun, and they share a moment of understanding. "I'll be in the parking lot, Jongin." 

"Thank you," he answers before going into the intimidating darkness of the cemetery. 

He can hardly see where he's going and the trail below him is a little bumpy, but he remembers where Taemin's grave is. It was next to a large gazebo in the backside of the cemetery. Passing by the countless graves around him makes him feel a different kind of sadness because they all mean someone is gone. Someone else like Jongin had to go through what he's going through now. There have been people left behind to mourn. 

For one moment, it takes him out of his own thoughts. He's able to feel sympathy and sadness for someone other than himself. He feels small walking through there, but in a way, it gives him some reassurance. It makes him believe that he can get past the pain. He will heal, as other people mourning have. It's possible. 

He arrives upon Taemin's grave, and his confidence is shaken a little. The writing on the gravestone makes it real. It's not just in his head. It's not just the memory of watching his heart monitor go flat. It's seeing tangible proof that he is really gone. 

He bends down and touches the stone. "Taemin," he says. It's the first time he's said his name aloud since the funeral. He traces his fingers over the letters of his name. His eyes begin to water again. "I'm sorry you have to see me like this..." His voice sounds so loud in the eerie quiet of the early morning. "I love you. I'm sorry I haven't been taking care of myself. If you were here, you'd probably scold me..." He takes a shaky breath before continuing. "I really wish you were here. I don't know who I am without you..." His voice drops down to a whisper. "I love you so much. I miss you." He blinks, and tears spill over his cheeks. "I don't want to say goodbye, but... you would want me to. You always wanted what was best for me. We can't have what's best for either of us... it would be best is if you were here by my side. I don't want to let you go." He tries to hold back a sob and brings his other hand to cover his mouth. This is harder than he could have prepared for. 

"Let's make a deal, okay? I'll never forget you, but... I'll let you go. You just have to wait for my time to join you. I promise... I promise I won't hurt myself anymore. Okay?" Jongin asks, tears streaming down his cheeks. He feels so vulnerable right now. 

He stands on shaky legs and lets go of his hold on the gravestone. It's the sharpest pain he's felt so far, but... it also feels like it's healing him in a way. He's not completely ready to go, so he begin's to dance. There's no music and his legs are wobbly, but he pours everything into it. His sadness, his anger, his love, his pasion. The dance isn't great, it isn't flawless, but it's the first time he's felt like he can breathe. 

The flow of his arms, the pointing of his toes. Everything feels liberating. It almost feels like how it used to when Taemin was actually by his side. He rolls his head to an internal beat. He dances truer to his ballet routes, and finds that he's a little more himself... a little more alive. 

He twirls and prepares for a pirouette. Despite being drunk, he feels completely sober the more and more he dances. He lands the pirouette well and extends his arms out before he drops to his knees. He runs his hand across the dew covered grass and stands with renewed grace. He turns around and raises his arms, lifting them and extending them as he steps backwards. He almost feel like he's touching Taemin for a moment, and he lowers his hand. 

He can picture caressing Taemin's cheek and holding him close. Though it's just a figment of his imagination, it feels nice. He turns and imagines Taemin dancing by his side like they used to. He reaches forward desperately with both arms. His desire to be close to Taemin drives his every movement. He remembers being in the studio, making up choreography to their favorite songs. This dance is the embodiment of his endless memories of Taemin. 

When the song of his heartache ends, he falls back to his knees before Taemin's grave. "I love you," he whispers. "I always will, Taemin. Always." He touches the ground below him as a tear falls next to his hand. "I love you," he says one last time before finding the strength to stand. 

Weak streams of golden sunlight peek through the clouds of the early morning sky. He think he might have spent longer here than he intended, but it was worth it. The picture he sees here is beautiful despite being heartbreaking. He thinks that it's a beautiful setting to say goodbye. 

His heart feels just a little bit lighter as he walks away. Taemin will always be with him in his heart, and... now that he can feel something more than heartache, he knows Taemin has always been with him. He just has to focus on that instead of missing him.

He turns around to take one last look at the grave. It's not going to be easy to figure things out, but for his own sake and Taemin's, he will. He blows a kiss back to the grave and leaves feeling alive for the first time since that night.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading~~ I cherish every kudos, every comment, every bookmark, every single view. It means the world to me, so thank you! 
> 
> P.S. If you haven't seen the music video to Sing For You, go watch it! It's beautiful and emotional.


End file.
